How do I introduce Chris Gethard?
Many of you reading this probably know who Chris is already. Definitely more of you know who he is than you know who I am. I attribute this to the nature of our paths in life (and I just vomited typing that phrase). I went to college in Philadelphia where I concentrated in drinking beer, skipping classes and hating myself. My brother went to Rutgers and concentrated in hating himself. But he also fell into the world of improv comedy (which I enjoyed mocking) and got a job writing for a low-rent fanzine based in our town.
After college, I fell into decaying world of journalism until I finally had enough of covering school board meetings in suburban America. Now I'm lost, bitter and angry. The low-rent fanzine my brother worked at blossomed and soon became sold at bookstores nationwide. His bosses even had their own show on The History Channel. And my brother was even given a book deal on his own. And his once-mockable hobby of improv comedy has blossomed, where my brother now works at one of the leading comedy theaters in the country, allowing him to appear on a whole bunch of television shows and the like.
Not only is my brother wildly successful while I'm, well, not, but I can't even beat him up anymore. He outweighs me by a lot and has also been training in a martial art known as Brazillian jiu-jitsy. The most athletic I get is in simulating Madden seasons on PS2.
Am I jealous? Fuck yes. Am I plotting cruel brotherly vengeance? Hell yeah. Do you think anyone wants to grow up to become a Roger Clinton or a Drew Lachey?
But while I am planning his ultimate demise, I remain consistently entertained by what my brother does on a daily basis. Particularly with his rage issues. I mean, I've never met someone who gets angrier for less than he does.
"JESUS CHRIST! WHY DID YOU EAT THE LAST CINNAMON RASIN BAGEL?"
But we'll get into Chris' mindset later. That is, if he's still talking to me after this post.